How many of the people who come into our lives actually stay? How many are only with us for a short while? How many play a small part and then disappear? The vast majority play a minor role and then hand the stage to the next person. Friends, partners… Look back: where is the person who was once at the very centre of your life? Maybe you haven’t heard from them in years; maybe you don’t even know how they are. It’s a painful truth, but it’s the truth.
Apart from ourselves, the people in our lives are temporary.
The only person who is with us for life is ourselves.
As clichéd as it may sound, that’s exactly why we need to learn to live with ourselves, to be at peace with ourselves and to love ourselves.
The Common Mistake: Putting Someone Else at the Centre
Placing other people at the centre of our lives is an extremely common mistake — and it’s hard to blame anyone for making it. We all want to be loved, noticed and valued. So from time to time we make other people the centre of our world: family, partners, close friends.
We cast them in the lead role of our own lives — a role that should belong to us — hoping to receive from them the love and worth we can’t find within ourselves. And so we keep sacrificing ourselves, so that the other person will be happier and keep making us happy in return.
You’ll end up unhappy. Because when you hand someone the lead role, you also invest heavily in them, and consciously or not, you’ll expect a return on that investment.
You won’t get it.
And that’s completely natural.
People will value you exactly as much as you value yourself. Not more — and quite possibly less.
The person at your centre will start to take you for granted. And we all know that people rarely appreciate what they’re sure they have — until it’s gone. Sometimes not even then.
What Happens When Your Partner Becomes Your Centre
Imagine you’ve placed your partner at the centre of your life. Even if they were perfect, there would always be a source of chaos for you, and your mind would never be at rest. You’d live like someone obsessed. Why haven’t they texted? Where were they? Why don’t they pay me more attention? Why aren’t they talking to me all the time?
And it won’t stop there — you’ll catch yourself endlessly analysing why they did what they did.
You’ll compromise yourself. To please the people at your centre, you’ll turn into someone you’re not.
In the end you’ll never be happy — and because you aren’t happy, you’ll try to take that unhappiness out on the people around you, which makes everyone miserable. Few things do as much psychological damage as an insecure, aggressive person.
After you’ve made both yourself and the other person unhappy, it’s the relationship’s turn. Your partner won’t want to be with you. You’ll find yourself in an unhappy relationship — and honestly, nothing could be more natural.
Everyone is the lead character of their own life. Nobody lives to set aside who they are and shower you with attention. If people like that existed, they’d be rare indeed.
Put on Your Own Oxygen Mask First
To be happy in a relationship and to make our partner happy, we first need to be happy ourselves. We can’t be happy living someone else’s life for someone else. Your partner fell in love with you because you are you — not because you’re a copy of them.
We can only be happy by giving ourselves priority, living the life we want and expressing who we really are. Only once we are happy can we set out to make others happy. Think of the safety announcement on a plane: put on your own oxygen mask first, then help your child. You put yours on first so that you survive long enough to save them. Happiness works the same way. You need to be the focus of your own life in order to be happy — and once you’re happy, sharing that energy with others comes easily.
A negative, unhappy person drains the energy of everyone around them — and no one wants to keep such a person close for long.
Don’t Just “Let It Go” — Get to the Root
Search the internet for advice on this and you’ll be told not to dwell on it. That’s the wrong approach. We need to face the problem head on and get to its root, so that we can find a lasting solution and carry on with our lives — happily.
You’ll find more articles on this site about feelings of worthlessness and about dealing with past trauma and getting the right support.
Remember, there’s no shame in asking for help. You can take the first step right here.
Until happier days — take care!