“I just can’t say no to the people I love.”
“What could I do? I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, so I couldn’t say no.”
“I did it reluctantly, so they wouldn’t be hurt.”
“I upset myself so they won’t be upset.”
Do these sentences sound familiar? Because you can’t say “no” to others, do you hurt and upset yourself by forcing yourself to do things you don’t want to do? You realise, don’t you, that every time you can’t say “no” to others, you’re actually saying “no” to yourself? How can you make yourself happy by saying “no” to being yourself? The first condition of happiness is being able to be yourself. If you agree with me so far, I think it’s time to change something in your life. Let’s not put it off any longer. Let’s change things today.
The Invisible Hand
So what lies at the heart of not being able to say “no”? You already know that if you could say it, you’d be much more relaxed and much happier. Just think — a single, tiny word. Easy to say, yet just as hard. Because it’s as if an invisible hand is stopping you. What is that invisible hand?
Think back to the last time you couldn’t say “no.” If you had said “no” in that situation, what would have bothered you? Stop and think about it for a moment.
- “Oh no, if I’d said no, they’d definitely have been hurt.”
- “I’d have upset them so much — I’d never want to do that.”
- “It would have been rude.”
- “If I’d said no, they’d have been offended and might have stopped speaking to me.”
- “I’m afraid of losing their love.”
- “They might have distanced themselves from me, and I’d have been left alone.”
These are the answers I usually get when I ask people this question. To be honest, they’re pretty logical reasons. But how logical are these answers really, once you look beyond first glance?
My Own Transformation
Let me take you back and tell you about my own transformation. I used to be someone who couldn’t say “no” either. Nobody is born with this skill. My story and my reasons were very similar to yours. I hurt myself so others wouldn’t be hurt or upset. Then I noticed that some people could say no quite comfortably — and because everyone was used to it, nobody took offence, felt hurt or stopped speaking to them. That looked like a good method, so I decided to try it. At first you may have a few accidents and hit a wall — I did. People may say, “What’s happened to you?”, “You weren’t like this before,” “You’ve become so selfish.” The fake friends who only came close to you for their own benefit may start to drift away. That’s not bad — on the contrary, it’s something to celebrate. If people distance themselves from you when you make a decision about your own life and refuse to do something you don’t want to do, know that they were only around you for their own benefit.
After a while, people will get used to the change in you. When they talk about you, they’ll say, “Oh, you can’t make them do anything they don’t want to — don’t even try.” And because you can say “no,” you’ll feel much stronger, you’ll take much more control of your life — and with that, the energy you give off will change. The day you stop hurting yourself is, in my view, a day worth celebrating.
So make a decision today — right now. Do yourself a favour. Start saying “no” to the things you don’t want, so that you can say “yes” to yourself. Don’t postpone what you’ve been putting off for all these years. Start changing right now. You have this power.
Let’s give ourselves — and others — the power to be ourselves. Because we all deserve to be happy.
If saying no still feels impossible, the cause usually lies deeper — often in a feeling of not being worthy. ClearMind™ coaching helps you clear it at the root.