Wherever there are people — wherever the human brain is involved — the subconscious is involved too. In human relationships, we send almost as many subconscious messages as we send text messages. Every word you say and every action you take is evaluated separately in the other person’s subconscious, and based on that evaluation, people shape how they behave towards you.
Romantic relationships, friendships, the business world — it makes no difference. There’s a secret to getting people to do more of what you want and less of what you don’t. Of course, no method lets you take over someone else’s free will or control their decisions 100%. But the approach I’m about to share can make a real difference in your life and help you become far more successful in your relationships.
How? We’ll go into detail with examples in a moment, but first, a little background.
Two Forces Drive Us All
There are two fundamental forces behind everything we do:
- The urge to avoid pain
- The urge to seek pleasure
Almost all of our behaviour is shaped by these two drives. We tend to move away from situations and people that cause us pain, discomfort or unease, and towards situations, people and activities that bring us pleasure, enjoyment and happiness. Very often we make our decisions this way without even realising it.
A Question for You
You haven’t seen your partner for a while, you feel like calling them, so you do. They pick up and launch straight in: “Where have you been? You never pay me any attention! I’m so angry, you’re upsetting me!” How would you feel?
I imagine you wouldn’t be very happy about that conversation. Talking to your partner on the phone has become a painful experience — so you won’t be keen to repeat it. After a while you’ll notice your hand no longer reaches for the phone. And before long, the relationship fades away.
Now another question:
Same situation — you call your partner. This time they answer in a way that makes you feel wonderful and have a really enjoyable chat with you. When you hang up, you notice your energy has lifted and you feel happier. How would you feel then?
That conversation would be a pleasure. So you’d want to repeat it. You’d want to be in closer contact with that person, and your relationship would deepen.
Pretty simple, isn’t it?
Reward What You Want — Gently Discourage What You Don’t
When the other person does something you want, reward them straight away. Show appreciation. Let them feel happy, and let them know you’re happy because of what they did. Their subconscious will link that action with happiness — without them even realising it.
When they do something you don’t want, don’t start a fight. Instead, calmly let them see that the experience didn’t feel good — let it be a little less pleasant for them, without drama or blame. Their subconscious will gently link that action with discomfort.
If you want to be more successful in all your relationships, remember:
Every word we use, everything we say and everything we do carries a meaning for the subconscious.
From now on, at every step, remember to ask yourself:
Will what I’m doing feel good for the other person — or painful?
Wishing you happy days and relationships where your wishes come true.