Today we reach step 4 of our series “4 Steps to Happy Relationships.” The topic is “Jealousy and Freedom.” At first, “relationship” and “freedom” may sound like opposites — but a truly healthy relationship is only possible in a free environment where jealousy has disappeared.
If, with the person you’re in a relationship with, you…
are constantly keeping tabs on what they’re doing,
want them to spend all their time with you,
question who they see and demand explanations out of jealousy —
then you’re stealing from both their freedom and the quality of your relationship. And if you…
do things reluctantly out of fear of loss,
give up your friendships,
stop yourself from doing what you want —
then you’re stealing from both your own freedom and the quality of your relationship.
Any relationship not built on freedom is doomed either to end — or to end you. Jealousy is another name for the insecurity and fear of loss inside us. Jealousy is another name for the lack of love within us. Too much? Then let’s keep going…
“I’m Jealous Because I Love You”
Saying “I’m jealous because I love you” is actually the biggest lie in the world. We have never once been jealous because we love someone — but we’ve always used love as an excuse to cover up jealousy. Out of fear of loss, we’ve restricted both our own freedom and the other person’s, and always pointed to “love” as the reason. We’ve tried to hide fears that come from a lack of love under the name of “love.” Because jealousy and control are so ugly that they can’t go out without a mask. And our mask is: “Because I love you.”
Jealousy and love are as opposite as night and day. How so?
Let’s look at how jealousy works. Why are we jealous of someone we think we love? Because comparison and ego get involved. Even the possibility of being passed over for someone else hurts our ego. Even the possibility triggers our fear of loss. Even the possibility reminds us how worthless we feel. All of this makes us feel terrible — as if we’d been left alone in a dark room — in other words, unloved. And so the jealousy, the restrictions, the checking up and the demands for explanations begin. And so we start singing the same old song: “Because I love you so much.”
In other words, we cover the lack of love inside us neatly with the mask of “I love you so much.” But if there’s no love inside us, how can we give it to someone else? Can anyone give something they don’t have?
So “Because I love you” can only really mean: “Because I love you falsely, and I’m so empty of love inside that I’m terrified of losing yours.” The funny thing is, the other person may also be loving you falsely and be afraid of losing your love. Then we’re like two beggars begging each other for money and propping each other up with counterfeit coins. And because the coins are fake, there’s no end to the jealousy, the fights, the arguments and the “You don’t love me.” Sound familiar? Yes — they don’t love you, and you don’t love them. Because, in truth, you don’t love yourself. How can someone who doesn’t love themselves love anyone else? If you don’t feel heartfelt love for yourself, then that love is just a pretty imitation.
Has Jealousy Ever Made You Happier?
Now let’s talk about jealousy and control. Have all the jealous scenes and restrictions so far given you more faithful, happier, calmer relationships? Or did keeping the subject constantly on the table actually put ideas into their head? Or did you simply wear out both them and yourself with endless restrictions and jealousy, and drag down the quality of your relationship? So — did jealousy lead you to happiness, or to ruin?
If someone is going to cheat on you, they’ll cheat no matter what you do. Being jealous, demanding explanations and picking through your partner’s life won’t help you; it only brings more grief and more headaches. Do you choose to be the one constantly fighting the waves and reacting — or the one who carries on happily while in a relationship they want, and knows how to say “goodbye” when it’s not what they want?
Never mind what your partner did or didn’t do. Listen to the beloved inside you. Love them. Love them so much that every cell of your body fills with love. Love them so much that anyone else’s love looks pale beside it. Love them so much that all jealousy becomes meaningless.
What do you say? Is your answer yes?
Then it’s time to say “hello” to a whole new world.
Time to put jealousy aside and become your own beloved first.
Time to feel your own love inside you, whether the other person loves you or not.
In other words, it’s time for “freedom” — for yourself and for your partner…
It’s time for “love” — for you, and for your soul…
Jealousy and fear of loss usually have roots in old memories of not being loved enough. ClearMind™ coaching helps clear them so you can love freely.