(My client Güneş Güller wrote this piece to share her own experience and offer you some new perspectives. My heartfelt thanks to her for this kind and generous contribution. — Turker Manavoglu)
I was really angry today, so I wanted to write about anger.
What Makes Us Angriest?
- When we feel our rights have been trampled on?
- When our wishes aren’t met?
- When more comes at us than we can handle?
- When we have to give something up for the sake of something else?
- When we’re treated unfairly?
Or even when none of these is actually happening, but we think it is?
Maybe, like me, you tend to say nothing, store it all up inside and then explode at the wrong person at the wrong time. That’s actually the worst of all, because you end up being the one who’s in the wrong and has to apologise. You feel embarrassed in front of that person, while the people your anger was really meant for don’t even notice.
In fact, today I was on the receiving end of exactly that kind of outburst. I was furious, because I’d been treated unfairly and was completely unprepared for it. Hours later, once I’d calmed down and could think clearly, I remembered that I do the same thing all the time. I’ve been working on controlling my anger for a long time, and it’s working. I’ve found there are lots of techniques for it, and I’ve tried them on myself. Let’s look at them together.
Techniques That Help
Relax: When you’re angry, take a deep breath and slowly count to ten — you’ve heard that one, right? But have you ever tried imagining yourself somewhere you’re happy while you do it? On a balcony overlooking the sea, breathing in the salty air as the breeze runs through your hair… Or lying on the grass under a big willow tree, sunlight dancing on your face through its branches… Ah, I can see you’ve already started to relax.
Change your perspective: If you know getting angry won’t achieve anything and you want the job done, how about looking at the situation through the other person’s eyes? They may not understand you, or may not have managed the task, but if you want it done, put yourself in their shoes this time. Ask yourself why — but think with their circumstances and their background. Maybe things need to be made a bit simpler? Not everyone is as clever and capable as you are — so this time, you be the one to boil it down to a solution.
Talk to the people you’re angry with first: If you shout at people for things they keep doing without even realising they bother you, they won’t understand — they’ll feel treated unfairly too. Aim to be constructive, not destructive. If the person who brings round the tea always spills a little into the saucer and it drives you mad, calmly tell them that the spilling bothers you and ask them to fill the cup a little less next time. I’m sure they’ll take care.
Learn to listen: Before you get angry, learn to listen. The other person may have a perfectly good reason you hadn’t thought of. Remember, everyone has their own free will and their own limits. Perhaps your daughter got a poor mark on her oral exam because she spent that day helping a friend in need instead of studying.
Humour: Sometimes a smile, or finding something gently funny in the situation, can soften the mood and calm your anger. Just please don’t overdo it — no mocking or belittling the other person, okay?
Step away: Going to the kitchen and slowly sipping a glass of water while breathing deeply, or stepping outside, splashing your face and coming back, can calm your anger and help you think clearly.
Keep away from what triggers you: Sometimes it helps to stay away from the things that make you angry. If you’re angry because your son got into a fight at school, keep your distance for a while and calm down; wait until you’re ready to talk to him like a reasonable adult — and give him time to calm down too. Or if your next-door neighbour’s behaviour irritates you every morning at the door, leave five minutes earlier or later than they do. Don’t say “why should I be the one to change?” — you’re the one getting angry. Why start the day angry when you could be happy all day?
Constant Anger Stops Working
People who live with someone who’s constantly angry get used to it. Even when that person is right, nobody cares anymore. Worse still, constant anger pushes people towards lying, makes them resentful, drives them away and leads them to go behind your back. Imagine a boss who shouts at his staff every day, rightly or wrongly. When an employee comes out of his office after another outburst, won’t they say to their colleagues, “Oh, same old story — never mind, let’s just get on with our work”? Of course they will. Please don’t be that boss.
I’ll admit that, as long as it isn’t constant, anger is sometimes useful. I’ve had a few outbursts like that myself. Sometimes there are people who try to take advantage of your calm, who pretend not to understand when they do, and who don’t care if it harms you. Fine — then go ahead and let it out, but never resort to violence. Just enough to show them you’re serious, without turning a situation where you’re in the right into one where you’re in the wrong.
But please remember: anger harms you far more than it harms the other person.
As the well-known saying goes, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Wishing you calm, peaceful, happy days — free of anger…
Written by Güneş Güller
If your anger feels bigger than the situations that trigger it, it’s often fuelled by old, unresolved experiences. ClearMind™ coaching can help.