Are there habits or behaviours you want to give up?
Smoking, staying in a relationship that’s long past saving, interpreting everything through a negative lens… At the root of all of these lie your habits.
You’re aware of them, you want to change them — but somehow it never happens?
Don’t worry. There’s an easier way, and a few key insights that make all the difference. Let’s start by looking at how habits become habits in the first place.
Habits Form for Two Reasons
1. Because They’re Repeated Often Enough
Repeat something often enough and it will become a habit. A well-known study from University College London found that different behaviours take different amounts of time to become automatic. Drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning might become a habit within a week or so, while starting every day with fifty sit-ups can take months. On average, though, a behaviour becomes a habit after about 66 days of repetition. After that, it runs on autopilot. At first your brain forms a faint footpath for the habit; then a decent road; and finally a motorway.
So the relationship you can’t end, the cigarettes you can’t quit, all those bad habits you can’t let go of — because you’ve kept them up for so long, your brain has built a motorway just for them.
2. Because They Give Us Something
Underneath every habit there is always — always — a payoff. Very often that payoff is hidden deep in your subconscious, and you may not spot it at first. For example, apart from the physical addiction, the reason you can’t quit smoking might be that you love the smell or the ritual of the smoke. Maybe smoking helps you socialise more? Maybe you believe it makes you look more thoughtful? Or maybe it’s simply something to do so you don’t get bored on your own. Could the reason you can’t leave a dead-end relationship be that it protects you from being alone? Or the hope of feeling those wonderful early feelings again? Whatever the habit, there is always a hidden gain behind it.
So What Should You Do?
The first thing is to understand why your habit became a habit. To do that, you need to discover the hidden benefit or payoff you get from it.
All you need to do is ask yourself this question:
“If I gave up this habit, what discomfort, lack or fear would I feel?”
You may not find the answer straight away. Don’t worry — keep asking. You’ll uncover your hidden gains one by one.
The best way to dissolve these hidden gains is to face them. Face them squarely. The more you do, the more you’ll see how easily you can actually let them go. Face them and, just as you would persuade a friend, persuade yourself to give them up. As you see yourself let go of each hidden gain, you’ll feel lighter and lighter.
Build a New Motorway
Now that we’ve found our hidden gains and let them go, what’s left?
Stop using the old motorway and build a new one!
Remember: for every habit, there’s a motorway between the neurons in your brain. Even after you give up a habit, its neural motorway stays in place for a while. That’s why people who quit smoking months ago can start again as easily as if they’d quit yesterday — and why old habits are so easy to slip back into.
Until the new motorway is built, part of you will want to return to the old one, because it feels easy and comfortable. Don’t be alarmed. Once your new motorway is complete, the pull of the old one will gradually fade.
In Summary
- Find out what benefit the behaviour or habit you want to drop gives you.
- Face that benefit and persuade yourself to let go of the hidden gain.
- Give yourself some time. Allow your brain to build its new motorways.
- Enjoy your new life.
Remember: if you’re in control of your habits, you run your habits. If you’re not, your habits run you.
Some hidden payoffs are buried too deep to find alone. See how ClearMind™ coaching uncovers and clears them.