Love is such a beautiful thing — and the pain of a break-up is just as awful. Isn’t it time to put an end to this cycle?
“So what’s the answer, Turker? Are we never supposed to fall in love?”
I can almost hear you say it. I’m not telling you not to have relationships. Love and relationships are among the most beautiful things in our lives, and we never need to give them up. But first we need to know this: a relationship isn’t a household appliance that comes with a guarantee.
So Why Does a Break-Up Hurt So Much?
We feel the pain of a break-up because we’re dependent on the relationship. It’s a dependency just like a drug or nicotine addiction. And in fact, you’re not dependent on that person. You’re dependent on the feelings they gave you. Let’s take your last relationship. How did being with that person make you feel? Stop reading here, close your eyes and think. Really — how did it make you feel?
- They loved me.
- They paid attention to me.
- We had fun.
- I trusted them.
You might give answers like these. But I’m not asking what they did for you — I’m asking how they made you feel. How about these?
- Excited (especially intense at the start of the relationship)
- Loved
- Valuable
These three usually describe what we experience in a relationship — and they’re what we long for when it ends. But what wears us out most is the desire to feel “valuable.” Because in the relationship, we felt valuable. And now, suddenly, you feel worthless, unimportant, ignored — don’t you?
I can hear some of you saying, “That’s exactly how I feel — how did he know?!” Don’t worry, I’m not a psychic and I’m not glowing from anywhere. I simply understand very well how you feel.
The real problem here is feeling “worthless, unimportant, ignored.” So that’s what we need to work on. You should feel valuable in every situation and every circumstance. I’m not saying this to pump you up. You already are valuable. There is no one else like you in this world, and there never will be. And only you can determine your worth.
But the moment you feel valuable only through a relationship and rely on that, you stop being the one who enjoys the relationship and become its slave. And its end hurts terribly.
So What Should You Do?
- Make yourself — not your relationship, your friends, your work or your family — the most important thing in your life. In other words, put yourself, not someone or something else, at the centre of your life. Focus first on your own wishes and your own happiness. Let your happiness and your energy level be the top item on your life’s agenda.
- Tomorrow is full of unknowns — it may bring beautiful things, or earthquakes. So enjoy everything, but know that tomorrow comes with no guarantee. Create a “you” who can be happy even if tomorrow there’s no relationship.
- The purpose of a relationship isn’t for someone to complete you. Let it be about sharing the whole person you already are with someone else. Be a full, complete individual. Then people coming and going won’t devastate you so much.
- Take care of yourself. Even a car needs servicing at regular intervals. Look after yourself too. Talk to yourself; understand your wishes, desires and sorrows. Do the things you love. Browse the other articles on this site about relationships and happiness. And if you’re considering some serious work on yourself, click here to find out about coaching.
Remember: nothing in this life — absolutely nothing — is as important as your happiness. You need to be happy so you can shine on other people with your wonderful energy. Because what we deserve most in life is happiness and smiles.