Are you in a relationship and want to live happily without constant conflict?
Not in a relationship yet, but when you are, you’d rather enjoy it than suffer?
Need better communication not only in your love life, but also in your social life and at work?
Then let me introduce you to the biggest poison in relationships:
BLAME!
Yes, blame — the kind that stamps on the other person’s ego until it squeals!
“You did this to me.”
“You’re so awful.”
“You’re heartless.” “You’re selfish.”…
You, you, you…
Every sentence that starts with “you” and then lands a jab on the other person is an example of blame.
Yes, I know — if the other person does it to you, you say “they started it” and hit back the same way, because your ego is hurt. But wait a minute: that’s exactly where the “poisoning” begins.
“They blamed me, so I have to get my revenge.”
When you think that and take your revenge, the other person thinks the very same thing and takes theirs — and it turns into a kind of blood feud. A feud with no winner, where both sides lose and are worn out, and the relationship is poisoned.
Why We Shouldn’t Blame
First of all, it simply isn’t smart. If our goal is to get the other person to change a behaviour, blaming them is the worst tactic we could choose.
When you ask someone, “Are you an idiot?”, will they turn to you and say, “Oh darling, I’m sorry — you’re right”? Or will they start a proper fight?
So what does that tell us? Blame is the worst tactic available. It needlessly triggers the other person’s defensive reflex, and it has a boomerang effect — whatever you say comes back to you, many times over.
Blaming the other person is like throwing a boomerang at your enemy and splitting your own head open.
So If Not Blame, What Then?
First, let’s ask ourselves: why do we blame people in a way that tramples on their ego? There are two main reasons:
- To get revenge
- To make sure they don’t repeat a mistake
If your reason is revenge, go ahead and enjoy it. But know that if you take revenge, the other person will take theirs on you in exactly the same way. In other words, you’ll reap exactly what you sow.
If your goal is to stop them repeating a mistake, you’re still using a bad tactic. Because you’ve hurt their ego with your accusations, their automatic defence mechanisms kick in. Even if they know what they did was wrong, they’ll defend it.
The Solution: Share Without Accusing
The solution is to share what you’re unhappy about without blaming the other person. How?
Instead of saying “You’re such a selfish man, you only ever think of yourself!” and throwing the boomerang,
saying “Darling, this approach doesn’t make me feel good” is a much wiser choice.
Rather than firing off “What gives you the right to interfere in my life? Mind your own business!”,
saying “Having my life interfered with makes me unhappy. I can’t allow that” can save you from a huge storm of revenge. You’re not blaming the other person, and you’re still making clear which behaviour you don’t want.
So what’s the lesson?
Revenge is a dish that comes back like a boomerang. 🙂
All you need to do to avoid it is act wisely.
To enjoy your relationship and protect your sanity, now is the time to give up blaming.
Now is the time to live your relationship with joy, free from revenge.
Because now is the time for change!
If you find yourself caught in the same relationship patterns again and again, ClearMind™ coaching can help you clear what drives them.