No.
A word we use to refuse, to decline, to object. Depending on where it’s used, its effects can be heavy: it can end relationships, stop them from ever starting, cause unhappiness and break hearts.
It’s astonishing that such a small word can have such a big impact. It’s one of the most powerful, weightiest words in our language — and we use it a lot in everyday life.
But perhaps not as often as we should.
Surprising as it may seem, this word deeply shapes the dynamics of our relationships. So when the moment comes, many people are afraid to say “no.”
That lands us in situations we don’t want, makes life harder and leaves us unhappy.
We wear ourselves out trying to make other people happy — and when we look back, we find that we’re the ones who are unhappy.
Why Do We Try So Hard to Please Others?
There are a few main reasons:
- Feeling unloved
- Feeling worthless
- Feeling inadequate
If we put another person on a higher pedestal than they belong on, or put ourselves lower than we belong, we may be genuinely surprised that they communicate with us, value us and love us.
“I’m a worthless person, and yet this person is talking to me. So to keep it that way, I have to do whatever it takes — I have to please them, no matter what.”
We try to make the other person happy so that they’ll love us, because we’re afraid they won’t love us as we are. We think simply being ourselves isn’t enough to be valued, so we do something extra so they’ll love us more.
Why do we think like this? Let’s take a look together.
Why do we believe we won’t be loved for who we are? Why don’t we know what unconditional love feels like? Why does being loved without extra effort — the way others seem to be — remain nothing more than a dream for us?
Because we feel worthless.
The crucial point is this: feeling that way never means it’s true.
It’s only a perception.
Worthlessness Is an Illusion Created by Old Memories
The human brain is a truly complex and fascinating thing. From the moment we’re born, it stores every memory and every trauma we’ve been through — even the ones we don’t remember — and those accumulated memories follow us for the rest of our lives. They shape the personality we have today. We live with them; the person who goes to bed at night and the person who gets up in the morning are both created by those memories.
The sense of worthlessness is a falsehood those memories created — an illusion.
Is it our fate to be prisoners of all this? Will we live our whole lives as captives of the past?
No.
No. Step by step, we’ll free ourselves so that we can use that word — so that we know we can be loved unconditionally and escape our personal hell, and stop compromising ourselves just so people will like us.
“Just Start Saying No” Isn’t Enough
These days, most personal development experts tell us to start saying no — and then vanish. “Start with small no’s,” “What’s the worst that could happen if you say no?” — we’ve all heard it.
What they miss, or overlook, are the roots of this perception.
Those roots usually go back to childhood and are mostly family-related. Those of us who didn’t get enough love or attention as children — who should have received unconditional love but instead had it drilled into us that we had to be better, more successful, more perfect to earn it — go on behaving the same way as adults.
If you didn’t feel worthless at all — if instead you felt deeply valuable and worthy of love — what kind of person would you be compared with now? Would you still be in the situations you’re in? I think we all know the answer.
We’d see a much happier, more relaxed “you,” far more at peace with yourself.
How to Free Yourself for Good
So how do we get rid of these feelings permanently?
First of all, I suggest you review your life and start by analysing the traumas you’ve experienced. Go to the root. Which events or periods made you feel worthless, inadequate or unloved? Try to list them, starting from your childhood. If you can, write them down as bullet points and face each one individually. Tell yourself that every one of those events actually came from the people who put you through it — not from you.
Of course, not everyone can do this easily. Facing these events on your own can be hard and exhausting.
But needing help is nothing to be ashamed of, and getting help is no longer difficult. If coping on your own feels too hard — which is perfectly natural — and you’d like the support of a professional, I’m here for you.
On this site you’ll find more articles explaining how the subconscious works and how to get back in touch with yourself — all free to read and use. To find out how we can work together, click here.
Until happier days — take care!