Being happy is everyone’s dream. Every person in the world wants to go through life happily. There are entire industries built around happiness; people spend their hard-earned money on it and invest in it. So why is something so fundamental so hard to reach?
We all make mistakes. We’re not flawless — and we never will be. That shouldn’t overshadow our happiness. As long as we keep trying to become better, we deserve to be happy. But on that road there are a few mistakes almost all of us make.
In this article I’ll talk about three of the most important ones.
1. Suppressing Our Emotions
Every day we interact, whether we like it or not, with lots of different people in lots of different settings. Some of these interactions are regular and lasting; others are random and incidental. The daily contact with your partner or your friends, at home or at work, is intentional and regular. The stranger sitting next to us on the bus or the cashier at the supermarket is a different story. Very often we suppress our emotions and keep them inside — because the setting isn’t right, or because we don’t want to hurt the other person. Over time, that lets negative feelings build up until they reach bursting point. It’s happened to all of us: we suddenly explode over something tiny, and we and everyone around us are left stunned. Like a pressure cooker, everything that has built up is ready to blow at the slightest trigger.
There’s another side effect. When we keep our feelings in instead of expressing them, we become strangers to our own emotions. Just as a tap that hasn’t been used for a long time rusts and stops running, our emotions become inaccessible. We turn numb.
Of course, not every setting is right for expressing our emotions exactly as they are. But there is a right time and place to face them and let them out. At the end of a long, emotionally up-and-down day, when you’re alone with yourself in the evening, face those feelings for your own sake — and take a step towards becoming a happier person.
2. Putting Other People at the Centre of Our Lives
We should always be at the centre of our own lives. Above all, we should live for ourselves and work towards our own happiness. I know that may sound selfish, but it’s far from it. When we put someone else at the centre — and this happens especially in romantic relationships — all we do is raise that person’s expectations of us. And remember: rising expectations always end in disappointment. From that moment on, the person at your centre will expect more and more from you. More attention, more love, more of your time. You’ll start living for someone else’s happiness instead of your own. And one day, when you stop and look at your life, it will only leave you feeling lonelier and unhappier.
Wanting someone you care about deeply to be happy, and making an effort for it, is noble. But at the end of the day, when you put that person at the centre, your own happiness disappears. Unhappy, negative people try to “draw” from others the happiness they can’t find within themselves. That creates an even more unhappy and chaotic relationship, and the other person ends up unhappy too. In short, someone who isn’t happy can’t make anyone else happy. Remember: putting yourself at the centre of your life isn’t selfish — it’s natural.
3. Taking Things Personally
Even though we need to put ourselves at the centre of our own lives, we mustn’t forget that the world doesn’t revolve around us. Everyone is the centre of their own life. Everyone is fighting a battle we can’t see and know nothing about. When someone is rude to you, it’s natural to question yourself — but in all likelihood it has nothing to do with you. They may be having a bad day or dealing with problems you know nothing about. Or perhaps you’re simply not on the same wavelength at that moment. Being cheated on is maybe the clearest example. When we’re cheated on, we all think terrible things about ourselves: that we’re not enough, that we’re bad, ugly, boring. Yet it has nothing to do with that. Even if our partner did think those things, choosing to cheat instead of leaving is entirely a flaw in their character — not ours.
Would You Treat a Friend the Way You Treat Yourself?
The world can seem chaotic and meaningless at times, but being happy isn’t as hard as we make it out to be. Being honest with ourselves and putting ourselves first are the first things we need to do.
Would you treat a friend you love the way you treat yourself?
Ask yourself this every time. Ask it when you push your feelings down by saying “it doesn’t matter,” when you put other people at the centre of your life, when you blame yourself for every bad or unpleasant thing that happens. Would you try to convince a friend that their feelings don’t matter? Would you blame a friend for every bad thing that happened?
We all know the answer.
So it’s high time you started treating yourself the same way.
Remember, there’s no shame in asking for help. You can take the first step right here.
Until happier days — take care!