Our series is in full swing. As you’ll remember, in my previous article I talked about step one: how we approach relationships. If you haven’t read it yet, please start there. Today’s topic is the easiest way to poison a relationship, if that’s what you want: “expectations.” When it comes to expectations, many people drive their relationship towards the edge of a cliff without even realising it.
Could you be one of them?
- But I expected you to call me.
- I expected him to treat me this way.
- I wanted her to somehow understand this without me having to say it.
Do these sentences sound familiar?
Then this equation probably does too:
Expectation = Disappointment
Or to put it another way: the more you expect, the more you’ll be disappointed.
Surprised? Don’t be — because expectations are one of the main things that poison relationships and create disappointment. Yes, it’s human nature to want to see things the way we’d like them to be, and that will never change. But when we get caught in a whirlpool of expectations, we lead the relationship into a dead end. Let’s take a closer look.
How Expectations Creep In
Let’s say you’re very drawn to someone. You grow closer and become a couple. At first everything is wonderful; in the excitement of the early days, everything looks rose-tinted. Then, as the tide of excitement slowly recedes and logic takes over, your “own demands” suddenly come to mind. “Hang on — he should call me this often.” “She should make me feel this way.” “He should do this and that for me.” “Everyone else’s partner does such-and-such, and mine can’t even manage that.” You may even have gone further and thought, “Let me polish this rough diamond into shape.” Go on, admit it — did you? Tut tut… You wanted them to change, to always behave differently towards you, to be a different person — and when those expectations weren’t met, you always ran into the same thing:
Disappointment!
There’s something very important we need to know. No one truly changes unless they want to. They either pretend to change but don’t, change only temporarily, or resist change completely. Sound familiar? And if you don’t tell the other person clearly what you want but simply wait for them to change or do what you want — well, you could be waiting for Godot. And you’d keep on waiting. That’s the saddest story of all…
So What Should You Do?
- Nobody is a mind reader. If you don’t tell the other person clearly what you want, you can’t expect your wishes to be clearly understood. It’s time to stop hinting. If you want something, say it clearly. They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease — but you’re a grown-up. I’m sure you can say it clearly without the squeaking.
- When you do state your wishes clearly, remember that your partner — just like you — has free will (how fascinating!) and isn’t a lump of dough to be kneaded into whatever shape you like (also fascinating). So not everything you want is going to happen. After all, they’re a flesh-and-blood human being just like you.
At this point we use our magnificent brains to do a quick calculation and ask ourselves:
“Is this wish, or this change I want in the other person, an absolute must for me?”
If it’s not that important, there’s no need for needless moods and meltdowns when it doesn’t happen. As you clear away expectations, disappointments stop pricking your feet. Enjoy your relationship. Let your focus be on sharing more happiness, not on starting fights.
But what if this request really is a must-have, and the other person doesn’t take concrete steps to change — willingly and promptly? Then there’s no point continuing the relationship. And that’s actually good news. You’ll have the chance to pull yourself together, create your own happiness on your own, and make space for a much better option. And you’ll go into your next relationship far more experienced, without repeating your old mistakes.
But what if you’ve caught the “I’ll die without a relationship” disease — what if your dependencies keep you in a relationship you don’t want, gritting your teeth through it? Hold on for now. I’ll tackle this affliction — which not even medicine has cured — in the next part of the series, don’t worry.
Make Yourself a Promise
Now please ask yourself: “Do I want to live my relationship well and enjoy it as much as possible?” If the answer is yes, then from today you’re setting expectations — and with them, disappointment — aside. Be someone who asks for things and makes requests in your relationship; there’s nothing wrong with that. But remember that when it doesn’t happen, there’s no longer any need to start a fight or feel let down. You’ll either say “fine” or “let’s move on.” If you choose to stay, then when an expectation isn’t met, let your aim no longer be revenge — but to enjoy, and give, much more joy in the relationship.
Now, if you have a partner, say “I love you” with all your heart to the wonderful person you share your life with. If you don’t, say it to the unknown hero who will come into your life next and is living somewhere out there right now. Promise yourself from today: you’ll be a partner who creates much better, much more joyful relationships. Someone whose presence — and even absence — makes the other person say, “I’m so glad they came into my life.”
Promise?
That’s wonderful news! Then it’s time to take action!
Next in the series: Step 3 — Goodbye to Dependency.