Our series continues at full speed. In the previous two articles I talked about how we approach relationships and about expectations. If you haven’t read them yet, please read step 1 and step 2 first, so you get the most out of the series.
If you want a good-quality relationship, another thing we need to free ourselves from is dependency. We usually see the word “addiction” next to cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. Yet one of the biggest dependencies of all may be dependency in relationships.
If you find yourself saying the following, you have a relationship dependency too:
- The thought of leaving them scares me.
- I’m afraid of losing them.
- I can’t live without them.
- They’re my other half. They complete me.
- I keep compromising myself so I won’t lose them.
- I’ve stopped being myself to keep the relationship going; I’m trying to become the person they want.
If you stay in the relationship more out of fear of loss than because of the love between you, if you keep compromising yourself, if being without them frightens you — then congratulations, you have a bouncing baby dependency. Relationship dependency is just like substance addiction. You don’t miss it before it enters your life, but once it’s there, you can’t get it out.
If you’ve said these things about someone in the past but you’re not in a relationship now, you may be like someone who has just given up smoking: a single cigarette could get you hooked again. In other words, when someone new comes into your life, the same feelings may come back.
What Dependency Does to You
If you’re dependent, you can’t be yourself in the relationship. And in a relationship where you can’t be yourself, either the relationship ends — or you do. In which relationship where you stopped being yourself did you ever find happiness?
If you’re dependent, you’re afraid of losing the other person, so you may become excessively jealous. Does the reason for your needless jealousies in the past start to look a little more familiar now?
If you’re dependent, you smother the other person — so they won’t run off, so they’ll keep loving you. In the end, all the sacrifices you made to keep the relationship going only bring its end closer, faster. How long could you stay interested in someone who constantly fusses over you, never leaves you alone and always wants attention and affection — a “fortress already conquered”?
Where Does Dependency Come From?
Let’s do a quick, logical analysis.
Question: What are we dependent on?
Answer: On the relationship not ending.
Question: What does the relationship give us that makes us so afraid of it ending?
Answer: Through the relationship you receive the other person’s attention and love. You feel accepted, loved, valuable, important and in harmony. You need to feel the wonderful emotions your good times together give you. You’re afraid of losing those emotions, so they become your dependency. You may be afraid you’ll never find a relationship like this again. And if you’re married with children, there may be financial dependencies too. On top of that, stepping outside the role society has dressed you in — getting divorced and living on as a divorced person — would mean giving up society’s approval, so it’s very likely you’re afraid of that as well.
Let me say this first: nothing — absolutely nothing — in which you can’t be yourself will ever serve your life’s purpose. The greatest pain a person can feel is the pain of not being able to be, or act like, themselves. However tempting the promises of a relationship may be, if you can’t be yourself in it, you’ll bring about either your own end or the relationship’s. I’m sorry, but there’s no third option.
If you feel loved and complete only through another person, you’ll always need that person. And every kind of neediness ends in humiliation.
The only people who fit perfectly into the clothes society tailors for us are the dead, lying in their shrouds. If you want to go on living as a living person, not as someone who has entered the grave before dying, then instead of asking “What does society want from me?” we need to start asking, “What do I want from myself?”
So What Should We Do?
There’s really only one thing we need: to be a full and whole individual. To complete ourselves within ourselves — to be able to live without needing someone else’s attention and love, and without the clothes society dresses us in.
The cause of all dependency is a lack of love within us. Because we look to the outside world without having found that love inside, we keep struggling and flailing.
The cause of all dependency is a lack of love within us. We try to fill the gap by winning society’s approval.
The cause of all dependency is a lack of love within us. We try to cover the emptiness inside with what comes from outside. But no water you find outside can quench the thirst within.
Then What’s the Solution?
Before you become someone else’s lover, become your own. Before you expect attention and love from someone else, give attention and love to yourself. No love and no lover from the outside can ever be as lasting and nourishing as the love inside you. Treat yourself as if you were your own beloved. Treat yourself as the most important thing in your life. Look after yourself like the apple of your eye. Love yourself like the most wonderful person you’ve ever seen — because you truly are.
The more you love yourself, the more you become your own beloved and the more whole you feel, the more your dependencies will fall away one by one. You’ll be amazed to see the spring inside you that had run dry turn green again, bear fruit again and become its most wonderful self again.
Even if you can’t believe it right now, when you become your own beloved, this will come true for you too.
So give yourself a chance — and a promise. From now on, whoever comes into your life, you’ll be your own beloved first. You’ll nourish yourself first with your own wonderful love and attention. The love inside you will overflow so much that you’ll feel compelled to share it with others.
Let the love inside you be so abundant that others look at you in wonder.
Let the love inside you be so abundant that you feel compelled to share it without expecting anything in return.
Let the love inside you be so abundant that even your partner is jealous of how much you love yourself!
Now is the time to let the love inside you blossom…
Now is the time for love…
Next in the series: Step 4 — Goodbye Jealousy, Hello Freedom.